


Swallow your Pride

by mirrorwaves



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Yamaguchi Tadashi is So Done, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26464135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirrorwaves/pseuds/mirrorwaves
Summary: Written for HQSwiftWeek2020, Day 2 - Back to DecemberKei is fine. His relationship with Tetsuro is a thing of the past and he's fine with it. Tadashi knows better.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 1
Kudos: 93





	Swallow your Pride

**Author's Note:**

> Whew. This was a whirlwind. Written in one day, poorly edited and the first fanfiction I've published since forever. This is my first time posting in english, which is not my native language, so please feel free to point out any errors you spot.
> 
> Written for Haikyuu X Taylor Swift Week 2020 - Day 2. I chose [Back to December](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUwxKWT6m7U)

The roof is quiet. It's become his favourite place to spend his breaks over the last months. Nobody to disturb him up here. The music lulls him into a peaceful state of mind and he watches the clouds passing over him. One looks a bit like a cat.

“Kei?”

It’s Tadashi’s voice that rips him from his daydream, echoing over the music playing from his headphones. He looks up to his best friend, with red cheeks from running up the stairs. He's already in his track suit.

“I told you to stop hiding on the roof!”

Kei shrugs and tugs his headphones off. “I wanted to be alone.”

“You always want to be alone. Is everything alright?”

Alright? Kei wants to laugh. Nothing is alright. He wants to go home and hide underneath a blanket and cry. Or, preferably, build a time machine and make things right again. Kei doesn't cry.

“Yeah”, he says instead and gets up, his headphones resting around his neck, his face in it’s usual neutral gaze, like he doesn’t care about anything. Years upon years of hiding his feelings from the world have proven to be exceptionally helpful in the last months. Since…

He tries to stop his thoughts before they reach their unavoidable destination, grinding his teeth as he stomps down the stairs behind Tadashi. He hasn’t talked to anyone… just came home, told Akiteru “It’s over” and never talked about Kuroo again. It’s been almost seven months, by now. Seven months and not one night has passed where hasn’t thought about calling him. Texting him. Getting on the next Shinkansen to Tokyo. He hasn’t done any of these things, has instead thrown all the little gifts and letters and memorabilia in a box and buried it in his closet. Has renamed the contact back to “Kuroo-san”, instead of “Tetsuro <3” and has tried his best to forget.

When Tadashi drags him into the gym, the first and second years already waiting for them, he forces himself to focus. He can’t slack off during practise again, especially not now, with Inter-High so close and the new first year middle blocker with so much untapped potential. Professionality, he reminds himself while slipping off his shoes and changing into his volleyball sneakers.

“Hands out front!” He bellows across the court. “Tension in your fingers!”

Nakatsu, the lanky first year that reminds Kei so much of himself, gulps and blocks another spike, this time slamming the ball down on the right side of the net and Kei allows himself a smile. Karasuno will be fine when they leave. Tachibana, their second year ace, will make a great captain next year and Nakatsu proves himself to be a reliable middle blocker.

“Sometimes you sound like Kuroo-senpai”, Hinata chirps, as he bounces over towards Kei, done with slamming balls around Nakatsu’s ears. Kei feels every muscle in his body tighten and fights the urge to strangle Hinata. He forgets how to breathe for a moment, when Kuroo’s stupid rooster hair and sly grin, the way he casually broke Kei out of his shell, resurface from the place where he keeps them poorly locked away. Hinata doesn’t know, he reminds himself, and he is right. He picked up most of his blocking from Kuroo. From the tips he gave him during his first year, but mostly the countless hours they’ve spent in the following summer. During Kuroo’s first year at university. All the time he’s spent in Tokyo, playing with Bokuto and Akaashi, when he was visiting Kuroo.

Hinata is already gone by the time Kei has his breathing back under control, a snide answer ready on his tongue. Instead, Tadashi stands next to him, a hand resting on his shoulderblade.

“I know”, he just says. That’s Tadashi… he knows things. Kei hasn’t told him anything, but somehow he still knows. “Do you wanna come over after practise?”

These few words are all it takes for Kei’s carefully constructed control to break. He nods, a strangled sound escaping his throat. He’ll insist that it wasn’t a sob.

“Go change… I’ll finish up here.”

Kei has never been more thankful to have a friend like Tadashi. As he sits down on his bed, Tadashi pours him a cup of tea and settles down on his chair, keeping just the right amount of distance between them. He’s always respected Kei’s boundaries, but right now he wishes he wouldn’t have. Would have asked so much earlier, forced Kei to talk. Because his own pride hasn't allowed him to approach Tadashi about this. But as he sits here, right now, he realizes he should have done this so much earlier.

“So… I know you and Kuroo broke up. I heard it from Akiteru, he asked me if I know anything more. But… that’s all. You know, Tsukki… I know you don’t want to talk about your feelings, but did you really think you had to get through this alone?”

Kei shrugs, hiding behind his knees drawn to his chest.

“I guess… I just… It’s nothing.”

Tadashi snorts and pinches his nose. “Sometimes, you are really dumb. It’s not nothing. You broke up with your first real boyfriend and obviously you are not fine with it.”

Hearing it, just flung casually in his direction, he breaks. He hasn’t cried once, not since the train ride back home, in December, where he had hid his face behind a sleep mask and cried and cried and cried until the fabric was soaked. He hasn’t cried while putting Kuroo’s stuff in this stupid box. He hasn’t cried during Spring High, when they were in Tokyo and every little thing had reminded him of Kuroo. He hasn’t cried during all the practise matches, the red Nekoma jerseys everywhere, the number one wrong everywhere but on Kuroo. But now, in Tadashi’s bedroom, all his carefully constructed walls crumble to dust and he’s bawling his eyes out. He hasn’t cried like this since he was five and broke his leg on the playground. Broken sobs, tears dropping to the cup his fingers are clutching.

“I was… so stupid.”

His voice creaks and he hates the sound of it. He hates everything, he wants to hide somewhere and preferably die a short and painless death. Instead, Tadashi sits down next to him. He carefully pries the cup from Kei’s death grip and then pulls him in a fierce hug. He says nothing, just takes off Kei’s glasses, puts them on the nightstand and holds him tight. Kei doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but when his tears stop flowing, Tadashi’s shirt has a huge wet spot on his shoulder, his eyes are dry and his head hurts like hell.

“I’m gonna get some water, okay?”

Tadashi carefully extricates himself from Kei’s limbs and stands up.

“Be right back.”

Kei just nods and leans back against the wall. He takes a few deep breaths, still tasting the salt on his lips, his vision blurry from the lack of glasses and he just closes his eyes. Crying his eyes out felt weirdly cathartic, and he is able to think clearly for the first time in months. And now, with all the regret and sadness out of the way, he realizes it. He misses Kuroo. He misses him with every fibre of his being and he wants to make everything right again. Tadashi comes back with a huge water bottle, that he insists Kei finishes. He does and between sips of water, shaking hands and headaches, he tells Tadashi everything. How they kept in contact, ever since that fateful training camp in his first year. How their messages grew more and more flirty, how he thought his heart was exploding when they faced each other on the court during spring high that year. How texting became calling became visits to Tokyo. How he slowly realized he was really, truly in love with Kuroo.

“He… he asked me to spend Christmas with him. We couldn’t see each other much during November and December, because I was studying so much. With Tetsuro… UTokyo wasn’t just a dream, but a plan and it was so much pressure. And I hadn’t even told my parents about anything… only Akiteru-nii knew. And then he asked me to spend Christmas with him. Not even his family, just us two, in Tokyo, in his apartment. He wanted me to meet his parents…”

_“Kei, do you want to spend Christmas with me?”_

_Tetsuro’s voice is casual, as if he had just asked him if he wanted milk or sugar in his coffee. Kei drops the spoon and it clatters to the floor, lying abandoned on the cold tiles in Tetsuro’s kitchen._

_“I… don’t know”, he forces out. His brain screams no. If he isn’t home on Christmas, he has to tell his family. Has to explain that the guy he sometimes visits in Tokyo isn’t just a friend, but his boyfriend. Has to tell them he’s gay and that’s something he isn’t ready for. He’ll probably be never ready for it, he knows his parents. His mother is nice enough, but his father is too conservative for his own good and he doesn’t want to rip the family apart._

_“Moonshine, you okay?”_

_Tetsuro peeks his head in the kitchen and as he spots him standing there, staring down on the lonely spoon on the floor, he comes closer. Wraps him up in his strong arms and Kei can feel all the tension melting away. This is right, this is where he belongs. But right now, it weighs on him like a mountain of expectations._

_“I just… I really want to spend christmas with you. I want you to meet my father, my grandparents… I want everyone to know you’re mine. I love you.”_

_His voice is quiet, calm and his arms hold Kei tight. Tetsuro is dead serious, he realizes._

_“I can’t”, he forces out. “My parents don’t even know I’m gay… or that we’re dating. I can’t…”_

_He pushes Tetsuro away, breaking his embrace and turning around._

_“I’m sorry, but… I can’t do that.” His voice is firm. Hiding all his conflicting feelings behind a wall, hastily pulled up. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing, until his eyes meet Tetsuro’s. He looks at Kei as if he had just struck him, hurt clearly visible in his eyes._

_“Please… don’t shut yourself in, moonshine”, he begs, his hand grabbing Kei’s. He tries to pull him in another embrace, but Kei shoves him back hard._

_Tetsuro stumbles, grabbing the countertop for balance and looks at him._

_“It’s… I CAN’T!”_

_Kei’s voice cracks, his fingers tremble and he can hear his blood rushing through his body, his heart pounding._

“We fought… it was horrible, I said all these ugly things and he just… took and took and took and I was hurting him so much, just because I was afraid of everything…”

Kei doesn’t even realize he’s crying again, until Tadashi pushes over a box of tissues. He takes one and blows his nose.

“And then… he just… he said, I should probably go home and we could talk when I was sure about what I wanted. He said…”

His voice gives out and Tadashi patiently waits for him to continue.

“He said, he doesn’t want to force me into anything I’m not ready for. And I… I just left. I told him, I’ll never be ready for something and if he is so focused on making things public we should probably break up. He… agreed and then I left.”

Tadashi lets his words hang in the air for a few moments, then he mutters something indecipherable under his breath.

“You are such an idiot”, he says and Kei feels his arms twitch. He wants to protest, wants to fling some insult towards Tadashi, but his best friend is speaking before he can do so.

“You are such an idiot, why haven’t you talked it all out? I mean… yeah, you broke up. But you just… that was your first real fight. Why didn’t you call him, a few days later?”

Tadashi’s words cut deep and Kei curls himself up in a ball of gangly limbs.

“Maybe… but I just couldn’t. After everything I’ve said.”

A pillow hits him in the face and Tadashi is standing in front of him, hands on his hips.

“You are such an idiot. Swallow your stupid pride and get this straight!”

Tadashi’s words ring in his ears until he sits at his desk, later that evening. Music is playing in the background, like it always is, because he can’t stand the silence. Especially since Tetsuro…

His fingers are gripping his phone tightly as he searches through his contacts. He pulls up Tetsuro’s number and before he can think, chicken out, his fingers press the call button and he lifts the phone up to his ear. It rings. Once, twice, thrice and then some more. He’s almost ready to cut off the call, when it connects.

“Yeah?” Tetsuro’s voice is rough. A bit out of breath. “Who’s there?”

He has deleted his number, Kei thinks numbly. It’s over, it’s really over, there was never a chance he would be able to get him back. Tetsuro is too good for him, has been, from the beginning.

“Hey? Who's there... I'm hanging u...”

“Hi”, Kei fprces out, his voice just barely working.

“Who… Tsukishima.” Every emotion disappears from Tetsuro's voice in just a split second.

Kei’s blood freezes and he can feel the trembling fingers. His phone almost slips from his grip. Tetsuro has never called him by his full name. He was Tsukki, or Glasses in the beginning. Later, moonshine. Firefly. But he has never, not once, used his full name.

“What do you want? If you have any of my stuff, keep it. I don’t want it back. I’m done.”

His voice is collected. Calm and cold, and Kei desperately wants to end the call. Crawl into bed and never wake up again.

“Tetsu… I…”

“Don’t call me that… you lost that privilege six months ago.”

Is there a tremble in Tetsuro’s voice? Kei closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and does as Tadashi said he should. He swallows the lump in his throat, together with his pride and let’s the words spill out.

“I am so sorry, I don’t know why I said all these things to you. I’m so sorry and I miss you so much and if I could go back, I would and do everything better and I know you hate me now and you have every right to do but I miss you so much. I can’t sleep without you and everything reminds me of you. Tetsuro… I love you and if you want me to tell everyone, I’ll shout if from every rooftop in every fucking city in the world, if I can get you back that way.”

The other end of the line is silent for a long while. Minutes pass without an answer and Kei is shaking, the phone almost slipping out of his fingers several times.

“Are you serious?” When Tetsuro finally speaks, Kei freezes, a fear he’s never felt before taking over his body.

“Yes”, he whispers. “Dead serious.”

It’s too late for pride, he has bared his soul to Tetsuro and now it’s up to him what happens.

“I… need time to think”, he says, his voice calm. How can he be so calm now? Why is everything so unfair? How can he be so calm when Kei is such a mess?

“I’ll call you.” And then, the call cuts out and Kei lets the phone drop to the floor.

He’s a zombie for the next few days. Tadashi doesn’t ask, and he seemingly told the rest of the team enough so they don’t bother him. It takes four days, until Tetsuro calls him.

It’s thursday evening and Kei is lying on his bed, a book open on his lap. He can’t concentrate and has to read every sentence at least three times, but it’s still better than doing nothing. When his phone rings, he almost doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t know if he can handle a rejection, but if he doesn’t answer, Tadashi will probably kill him and the anxiety about not knowing is probably just going to get worse. So he gathers ever little sliver of courage he has and presses the green button on the screen.

“Kei?”

Kei. Tetsuro has never used his surname. Never. But it’s better than Tsukishima, he supposes. Hopes.

“I… I’ve thought about what you said. And…”

A pause. A deep breath. And then, he can hear the smile in Tetsuro’s voice.

“I am so glad you called. I’ve missed you so much. Every day without you hurt. I don’t know how often I was almost calling you, when I was drunk. Akaashi had to delete your number from my phone, after he caught me three times. I am sorry for putting you under so much pressure. I…”

Tetsuro pauses again and Kei feels weirdly giddy, a warmth in his chest he hasn’t felt in months. “It’s your decision who you tell. I was wrong to expect you to come out to your parents. I’m sorry for letting you go. I should have called you and apologized and…”

“Stop… stop, I broke up with you, why are you apologizing?” The words tumble out of Kei’s mouth before he can stop them and when he tries to adjust his glasses, his fingers are wet.

“Kei, are you crying?” Disbelief in Tetsuro’s voice. “Moonshine, I… I’m so sorry and I love you. I’ve loved you from the beginning and… I want to see you.”

“I miss you so much”, Kei chokes and then, the third time in just a few days, his walls break down and he’s sobbing. Tetsuro’s voice in his ear gounds him, but it only takes a few moments and they are both crying. It takes a while for them both to calm down and Kei only disconnects the call when his phone is drained of it’s battery, his alarm for morning practise only an hour away.

(On Friday evening, Tetsuro stumbles out onto the platform. His eyes are sunken in and his hair is even more messed up than usual, but Kei doesn’t care about looks. He doesn’t care about anything but Tetsuro. Everyone can see them and he doesn’t give two shits about anything but Tetsuro. He kisses him in the middle of a crowded train station. Tetsuro is there and holds him and it feels so right. He just wishes he'd realized it earlier.)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had while writing. It was a blast and I'll definitely put out more for this wonderful ship I adore so much. 
> 
> Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments, or come shout at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/prnc3ssofHyrul3)! I appreciate all kinds of feedback.


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